God, I can’t wait for this day to be over

I’m actually watching the news.  I NEVER watch the news.  What does it say about the target audience that the past three consecutive commercials are about bodily fluids/excrement?  WTF?!?!

I guess it’s not as bad as one Friday night when I was sitting around with a few friends watching FOX on a Friday night (see, just another example of what a party animal I am).  I hardly ever watch live TV (except when my kids are watching Spongebob or something like that), so I’m always amazed by the commercials because I generally fast forward through them.  So, I’m sitting around and I can’t even remember what show we were watching.  And the first commercial I see is this cartoon ant walking along and an elephant steps on the ant.  Then the ant lifts up the elephant foot.  During this, the voice over is giving little factoids about the strength of ants.  But the commercial is for tampons.  WTF do ants and elephants have to do with tampons? My friends, who were all guys, said that the point of the commercial was to remind women not to put ants in their vaginas.  That makes as much sense as anything.  I’ll go with that.  The next commercial, immediately following the ill-advised tampon commercial, was for toilet paper.  It was another animated commercial and it was talking about having toilet paper that couldn’t get all the poo off your bum.  Again WTF?!?! There were bears with poo-encrusted bums (the poo -bums weren’t shown, just implied through the voice over).  I wasn’t aware that bears even used toilet paper.  But if they do, and they can’t get all the poo off their bums with their normal brand of toilet paper, I hope they were watching FOX that Friday night because there’s a product for them.  Actually, I should have those bears talk to my dogs because, between the two of them, I always have at least one dog with a poo-encrusted bum.

Anyway, I can’t wait until this election is over.  I want results and I want them now.  But I can’t watch this insipid crap that the networks are showing and trying to pass off at news.  I talked to my dad today and before I said goodbye, I asked him if he voted for Obama.  And that old geezer started going on about 1) how Obama was lying when he said that he could bring change, 2) that there are very few honest politicians, but McCain was one of them, 3) Sarah Palin is soo smart (just because you want to bang her and she wears glasses DOESN’T MAKE HER SMART! She appears to be an IDIOT, and embarrasment to intelligent working moms everywhere. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  When that old man is busying shitting himself, I’m not going to do a good job wiping his ass!!!!).  Old people, can’t live with them, can’t make them take their meds.

I love all the satire stuff about the election.  One of the funniest things I saw was this skit on Frank TV (Frank Caliendo’s sketch comedy show).  It starts with a bright white light and Frank, as John McCain, talking.  Then Frank/John starts slowly walking forward and you start to see the eyes and a vague outline of Frank/John.  And when you, the viewer, are finally able to see Frank/John clearly, he doesn’t have much more color to him then the white background.  He’s dressed in white and his face is whiter (but not by much) than the real McCain, but the effect is hilarious.  And the slogan is to “Keep the White House White” and Fank/John proclaims himself the whitest candidate running for president.  It’s hilarious (and would be much more funny if there weren’t people actually voting for McCain simply because he’s white).

I love the bloggers on Cracked.com.  And one of the blogs is called “Campaign 2008: The Year in Pictures“. Go check it out, it’s great.  The best three things in this blog are 1) the pictures of Obama with increasingly large birds perched on his finger, 2)  the picture of McCain with the old guys in the balcony from the Muppet Show (who are named Waldorf and Stadler, just in case you were wondering – I have a really good reason for knowing this), and 3) the blimp for Ron Paul, who, we are assured, is running for president and is completely sane.  I sent the Cracked link to a friend at work, who also picked the Ron Paul blimp as the most notable photo.  Maybe this photo stuck out for us because neither one of us is completely sane (but really, is anyone completely sane?  & I’m going to blame all the chemical fumes in the air at work if we are insane. Go ahead, prove me wrong ).

I want/need an Obama win.  I know he will win the popular vote, it’s more of a question about how far the Republican supporters will go to steal the election (again).  However, I know a few rather unpleasant people who swear they’re leaving the country if McCain wins.  If only my 401K could survive another Republican president, I would be willing to take a McCain win to get rid of the unpleasant people (but you know those people are just getting my hopes up.  They said the same thing during the Bush/Kerry election, but those lying f^&*ers are still here).

I’m still watching the election results.  If I see one more sensationalistic commercial for my local news, I’m going to scream.  I swear these are true.  One says that turning your heat on this winter could turn your home into a bomb.  It’s apparently warning about natural gas line corrosion causing gas leaks.  But WTF?!? That’s not journalism, that’s just lazy merde.  This is why I don’t watch the news.  The other commercial that’s pissing me off has the same type of tough talking voice over, but, again I swear this is true, it’s about whether or not the aqua globe (yes, that stupid thing that you fill with water and stick in your house plants) are effective.  The voice over says something like ‘they say the aqua globe will water your plants but are they worth the money’ with the same intensity as the exploding house story.  Come on.  Grrrrrrrrr.  My local tv news is just as amateurish as my print news (check out the local paper’s great ad slogan.  Cheers to the dorks who came up with that).